


Alec

by missblatherskite



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: M/M, Magnus is not Alec's first
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-01
Updated: 2017-01-01
Packaged: 2018-09-14 00:31:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 560
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9148789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/missblatherskite/pseuds/missblatherskite
Summary: Alec learns to accept himself





	

The first time Alec gave into his desires, he was 18. A shadow hunter was making a brief visit from the London institute and Alec was assigned to show him around. He was tall and slim, with dark brown skin and eyes and Alec couldn’t stop watching him. When Alec noticed he was watching him back, he waited until he was alone, took a deep breath, and kissed him. _And he kissed back_. They had sex three times before he had to leave.

Alec thought he’d feel that same gut-wrenching shame he’d felt since he realized he liked boys. Shame because he slept with a man, and shame because he liked it. But he didn’t. He felt…relief. He felt like that part of himself he’d always tried to push away was finally accepted in his mind. He knew he’d never have a real relationship with a man. He wasn’t delusional. He knew Jace would never love him back. He knew someday he’d have to marry a woman, have sex with a woman. It was his duty to continue the Lightwood name. But at least he could have something. He could have some little bit of closeness. He could feel a little less alone.

He didn’t get the courage to go to one of those mundane clubs until a few months after. And he didn’t get the courage to finally go home with someone who asked until a month after that. He didn’t do it often. Just when everything became too much. When his responsibilities were suffocating him and he just needed a few hours to breathe. It wasn’t perfect, but it was something. And he was determined to keep that little bit of happiness for as long as he could.

Magnus was unexpected. He never felt anything but attraction with the men at the clubs. Never wanted anything but mouths and hands and sex. Magnus was more. The second he looked at him he knew he was more. He wanted to talk to him, to sit next to him, to just look at him. He wasn’t just attractive—he was beautiful. And Alec didn’t know what to do.

They had drinks, they talked. Alec stared at his mouth not just because he wanted to kiss it but because of the words coming out of it. Alec never wanted to leave.

And then his duty came crashing down. The reality of his life as a shadowhunter, and the Lightwood heir that had to save his family. And he accepted it, just as he always had the inevitability. He proposed to Lydia.

The visions he had of the rest of his life weren’t terrible. He had prepared himself for years. And he liked Lydia. He could see them coming together and running the institute. He could see their future as parents and didn’t mind the idea. If he had to give up a part of himself for his family, his little bit of happiness he had found outside of his life,it wasn’t such a bad price to pay.

Stopping the wedding was the last thing he ever thought he would do. Everything he had planned for his entire life was wiped away in an instant. But he didn’t regret it. He was freer than he had ever been. He was gay, and everyone knew. And he was fine with that.

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own these characters.  
> I wrote this very quickly and there was no beta involved. I'm not too sure about it but I knew if I didn't post it now I might never have the courage to again. I might take this down later if I decide I don't like it. Hopefully it's not too much of a mess.


End file.
